Wednesday, March 25, 2015

4AM Feedings

Thankfully, Roanan is a wonderful sleeper. He usually goes to sleep around 10:30, eats at 2:30, and wakes up at 6:30. I couldn't asked for a better schedule or a better sleeper. (I have a perfect son, in case you haven't noticed.)

We do break every rule for "newborn sleep" though. R sleeps with us, not alone in a crib. He loves his fuzzy blanket (his Nana got him) and he can't sleep without it. He sleeps on his side vs his back. He loves to cuddle and wakes up if I am not in arms reach. All night I can feel his strong little hands searching for my face so he can touch my skin. When it comes to night sleep he may be a little spoiled, but I am not apologizing for it.

 He is my little man and I cherish every moment. Especially 4am feedings.

Early morning/late night feedings I love! Prior to having R I dreading waking up all hours of the night to tend to his needs, but since his arrival I look forward to his sleepy grin at 4am. I love knowing that he needs me and my need for him is even greater. During his early morning feedings he occasionally wakes up for an hour or so and it makes me so happy. I enjoy this precious time with him so much. It's just me and him staring at each other in the dim light. He is so smiley and happy and amazed by my silly words and bad hair. His smile is like a drug that I am addicted to, and like an addict I need it often.

The desire I have to see R's smile at any time of the day is similar to the desire I need to have for God. He is my father and he cherishes the feeling of being needed just as I do when Roanan wakes up at 4am craving food and momma's attention. However, I fall short craving Gods love and attention. Too often I don't embrace the silence of the night to really communicate with God like I do so many nights with R.

To be honest, since Roanan has been diagnosed with CF my relationship with God has been a rollercoaster. I know he has a plan greater than any plan I could ever write myself, but sometimes it's hard to understand the plan he has written for us. Then on one 4am bonding time with Roanan I read John 13:7, Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand,” and I learned that I don't need to understand his plan now... but one day he will reveal it to me.  Since then, I have had a beautiful peace and acceptance of his plan. Everyday I believe he shows me more and more and I am trying to comprehend all of the miraculous things he reveals.

Thank you Lord for the 4am feedings.

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