Thursday, January 26, 2017

So Proud of You.

Hey Bud,

You are over here sleeping away. It is the first time since a few days before the hospital admittance that you have been asleep before at least 12am. Since we came home you have been having late night parties and staying up until after 2! Honestly, I enjoy the bonus time with you. We usually grab a midnight snack, watch some peppa pig, read some blogs, and laugh hysterically together. There is something about the 'afterhours' that really brings the giggles out in us.

It is so funny, you have learned that when you get in semi-trouble that if you give me this tilted face and crooked grin I start cracking up. Last night, I started crying because it hit me that one day you would be making that face at a special girl other than just me...

I imagined you two would be in a silly argument and you would give her that grin and she would melt just like I do. I stopped when that vision crossed my mind. I captured that moment in my head. I stopped time. Then my eyes filled with tears and I placed my head on your chest. You placed your hand in my hair and repeated, "I got you mommy. I got you mommy. It okay." I tried to gather myself and I gave you a big kiss and told you how much I loved you. You followed with, "more" and I followed with "most". We talked for a few about how one day you would meet a special person but how they would never love you as much as I would. I promised you that I would always be your number one fan no matter how many times you mess up in this game of life. I assured you that your special person would be wonderful and that I am praying for her already. I have been praying for her since before you were born. I pray that God will use you together. That he will be present in your marriage, in your family, and in your home. I pray that your special person is everything that you need her to be. I pray that she treats you like the flawless person you are. I pray that she helps you beat CF. I would be lying if I said that I don't already worry that your special gift, cystic fibrosis, doesn't scare potential friends and girlfriends away.... I pray that you will have the gift to decipher between good and bad friends and good and bad girls. I pray that I will be able to aid you in this process of finding Godly friends. Please don't be upset when I stick my nose in your social life... Please understand that I was once there and I made the wrong choices when it came to picking some friends. I will tell you all about the pain associated with bad company when that day comes... Know that your mom isn't perfect. but that is totally okay. Why? Because I can share my failures with you and hopefully my failures can become your successes. I know that friends and girlfriends and wives is far away but I want to be prepared. Honestly, I doubt I will ever be prepared to give you away to another girl. I always want to be the apple of your eye. I always want the power of your crooked grin to be used on me. But I also want you to know love and friendship as long as you know that there will be no love or friendship stronger that yours with Christ and yours with your mom... You are my best friend R. I have never had joy like the kind you provide. You are my missing link.

Shew, how did we go there?

Anyways, I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. During your hospital stay you were so brave. Seriously. You took every new IV like a champ. All the respiratory therapist were so amazed by how well you did your treatments and CPT. The nurses all fell for your charm. How couldn't they? Everytime they came into the room you would pretend to hide and have the biggest smile once they found you! You are the biggest flirt ever. You talked during your whole stay and everyone was so amazed by how well you spoke. I made sure to let them know you got it from your momma! ha. During your stay, you learned so much. You learned many of your shapes, a few colors, and how to play different games on the tablet. You learned too many words to list. You watched Finding Dory and became amazed by Nemo. You keep asking to watch him since we came home but unfortunately we do not have Nemo here. Thankfully your birthday is coming up soon and maybe Nemo's DVD will be gifted to you!

During this past stay, you got your tubie placed which now gives you superpower fuel. The first few days post placement were rough. I had never seen you like that before. You were in so much pain and it literally killed me. You refused to sit up or walk around all you wanted to do was lay with your blankie. You would literally yell, "no lay, blankie blankie" everytime that someone would ask you to move. Thankfully that only lasted a few days. Once you were able to take a few baths over the course of 2 days you began to come back to life. Here we are almost 3 weeks later and you are doing great with your superpowers. You help me administer the medications, hook it up, clean it, and flush it. You have learned how to open the little door and you find it nasty when the tummy juices come out. I find it kinda amazing and amusing - but you run yelling "nasty!" Hopefully soon you will begin to leave that little door alone. I am so proud of you for accepting it in your body so quickly. That is a huge change to your body but you have welcomed it with a smile. Your superpower port will hopefully help you gain weight and stay outta the hospital. I pray that it does the job it was designed to do and keep you healthier.

You truly are one spectacular kid. I am so in love with your smile, attitude, and your face. You never give up, even if you have a mental breakdown doing it. You love so hard and I truly appreciate it. When I get a hug by you my whole day becomes a ten. Somehow you always know when I need some R love... I adore the fact that you still let me carry you and my heart smiles every time that you say hold me please. I will always hold you. No matter how big or how old you are. I will do all I can to hold you and carry you around. My right arm muscle could lift a car, whereas, my left has trouble opening a bottle of juice.The bigger you get the stronger my right arm muscle will become. What if I may get strong enough to compete in one of those competitions. How cool would that be? You have learned the meaning of sorry over the past 4-6 weeks. I love to hear you tell your toys sorry when you throw them or when you tell me sorry for biting my leg. You are beginning to learn the power of sorry and you use it when you know you are about to be in trouble. I can never punish you if you tell me sorry first. For now anyways, You are so smart and every day you pick up on something new. I hope to help you reach your full potential. I want to teach you as much as I can while you enjoy learning. I love to watch your brain learn new things and work through problems. Like potty training,you totally understand the concept and before the hospital I would say you were 90% toilet trained. Unfortunately, the hospital threw that down the drain. [no pun intended] Still though you tell me when you have peed or pooed so once we get your enzymes and night feeds situated we will pick that underwear back up and start again. I know you can do it! There is not one single thing that you cannot do. If you ever find something that you believe you can't do I will be right there by your side helping you through it. & if for some crazy reason you can't do it I will do it for you. I will tell you all about it afterwards and I won't keep any details a secret. You and I are a team that is unstoppable. Together we can do it all. Together we can make so many memories and laugh until our stomachs hurt. Together we will travel through life. I will never leave your side no matter what. You are my little warrior and my hero all bundled up into my son. I am one blessed lady. I thank God for you every day. I cry so often because I am seriously amazed by the gift of being your mom. You make me smile everyday and you fill my being with warmth and hope. Thank you R for being you. For being the person God made you to be. You are truly one special boy with a future brighter than the stars. I am so thankful to be on this journey with you!!

I love you so much more than you know & so much more than I know how to express. You are my life R and all of my dreams come true. I am so thankful that God blessed me with the best boy he ever made.

Thank you Lord for this life and for my little hero. Please allow me to keep him forever, and please keep his body healthy so that CF will never take him away from me...Please keep him safe and happy all the days of his long life.

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